SAUL TOOTH
THE PIRATE
"Saul Tooth the Pirate" (born Sauldonius Denarius Nauplius Vicarious Horatio Tooth, d.o.b. June 31, 1669) was a celebrated Cornish pirate (from elsewhere than Cornwall), who was active around the coast of Charlotte, North Carolina. During his life, Saul once nearly beat a man at cards, though it may have been a ferret in a powdered wig given the homeliness of high society of the day. Saul never recovered from this defeat. Swearing vengeance upon both powdered wigs and ferrets, Saul took up piracy as he had nothing better to do as it was the 17th century. Saul's longest tenure aboard a vessel was the Sloop B. Holden Teyerbumm, named for a fallen comrade who was always a little behind.
During his time on the high seas, Saul dictated a number of musings and sayings, all recorded by the ship's clerk at knife point. Although never captaining a vessel, Saul was nonetheless instrumental in the defeat of several barrels of grog from the ship's stores having long suffered from Sloshausen Syndrone, a condition wherein one becomes increasingly intoxicated the more he or she is sober. Having taken place on February 22nd, the victory is still commemorated today as National Margarita Day.
The circumstances behind Saul Tooth's death are perhaps even more mysterious than the details of his life. However, Saul Tooth's final words as recorded by the ship's clerk were:
"Arrr! Jest challenged m'self to a duel. Win or lose, neither of me be walkin' outta this alive."
In addition to his celebrated sayings among Saul Tooth's other accomplishments are being the most important philosopher of all time three years running, decoding the mermaid alphabet, writing travel guides to non-existent places, originating the hashtag #scurvydevils, and not dying for a prolonged period of time.
* * *
I ain't be choosin' no pirate life. The pirate life be choosin' me!
* * *
I came to the Internet chasin' stories of booty, I did. But what I founds, whar, I don't think it be the booty I was lookin' fer.
* * *
Me therapist says I gotta be expressin' me feelin's more, so here it goes:
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
* * *
Arrr! Jest challenged m'self to a duel.
Win or lose, neither of me be walkin' outta this alive.
Win or lose, neither of me be walkin' outta this alive.
* * *
I be a pirate what can't swim.
Aye, me commitment to goin' down with the ship be that great!
Aye, me commitment to goin' down with the ship be that great!
* * *
I got booted outta the Navy.
They says I curse too much.
They says I curse too much.
* * *
Regular People: Your - You Are - You're
Pirates: Yer.
Make life less complicated. Be a pirate!
Pirates: Yer.
Make life less complicated. Be a pirate!
* * *
Row, row, row yer boat chuck 'em out to sea.
He can't swim but to hail with 'em.
He drank me last Pepsi
He can't swim but to hail with 'em.
He drank me last Pepsi
* * *
Hoist the bandwidth! Batten down the data caps!
* * *
What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with krunken stapler? What cow can chew with shrunken sabber? So shorely in the... ZZZzZzZzZzzzzz....
* * *
I think I be a victim of cancel culture. I didn't pay fer me Netflix, and it ain't there no more.
* * *
Arrr! Why there be no emoji with an eye patch?! Confounded, land-lovin' devils!
* * *
Ladies, if ye need to light a little signal fire in the bedroom jest say t'yer fellas, "Talk to me like a pirate!"
Which if'n they be real men, not boys, they'd be doin' anyway! Arrr!
Which if'n they be real men, not boys, they'd be doin' anyway! Arrr!
* * *
Folks, they, be askin' me, they do, jest how I manage being a pirate an' doin' the Internets.
To which I say, "The same way ye manage not gettin' fired from yer job while ye's always sittin' away on yer hindquarters.
The two ain't mutually exclusive, ye consarn, loafin' blunderbuss."
To which I say, "The same way ye manage not gettin' fired from yer job while ye's always sittin' away on yer hindquarters.
The two ain't mutually exclusive, ye consarn, loafin' blunderbuss."
* * *
I know not the correct response to a bony lass sayin', "I love ye." But upon me experience, it probably ain't, "What in the world would ye do that fer?"
* * *
New pirate COVID-19 slogan:
"Arrr! Raise a flask, wear yer mask!'
"Arrr! Raise a flask, wear yer mask!'
* * *
Jest the utter day, I sees this sign what reads, "You must be wearing a mask to enter." So I folds a flap over me yap...
And immediately threw off me pants and all utter attire. Cuz thems the rules, y'know?
And immediately threw off me pants and all utter attire. Cuz thems the rules, y'know?
* * *
Lads, lasses, mateys! I know we be a divided nation, but let us not be breakin' ourselves down into "Arrr!" "Gar!" and "Yarr!" camps like those durn, uncivilized land-lovers! We all pirates be and dar be room nuff fer the whole lot o' us!
* * *
Yarr, it be rainin' all the utter night, the waters a-risin', they did. And the devil's hand upon me, if'n me backyard might not at this instance be called an ocean.
And, mateys, I've ne'er been happier!
And, mateys, I've ne'er been happier!
* * *
So was jawin' on with an old swab jest the utter day, I was, an' says to me he jest finished paintin' an accent wall.
"An accent wall?" says I, "Ain't even knowed walls could talk! S'posed it be sayin' "greazy" instead of "greasy," it would.
"An accent wall?" says I, "Ain't even knowed walls could talk! S'posed it be sayin' "greazy" instead of "greasy," it would.
* * *
When ye been had piratin' as long as I, lads, well, ye can stand nightmares. It's wakin' up every day to a 40 hour work week what scares the b'davies outta me!
* * *
Yesterday, some swab comes right up to me an' says, "Ye wouldn't know a mizzen from a main mast."
Lads, them's fightin' whar-ds!
Lads, them's fightin' whar-ds!
* * *
I do be apologizin' fer me absence of late. See, I've been sailin' the high seas, I have.
An' by sailin' I means to say "sittin,'" an' by the high seas I means to say, o' course, me "hindquarters." Gar.
An' by sailin' I means to say "sittin,'" an' by the high seas I means to say, o' course, me "hindquarters." Gar.
* * *
Some folks, they, be askin' me. Why I says "land-lovers" instead of "land-lubbers"?
What they take me fer some goldurn stereotype!? Arrr! #shivermetimbers #yohoho #scurvydevils
What they take me fer some goldurn stereotype!? Arrr! #shivermetimbers #yohoho #scurvydevils
* * *
Gar, some times I be gettin' nasty comments 'bout me figure, I do.
Ain't fair, it is! Jest like to see 'em try an' get 10,000 steps in by walkin' the plank!
Ain't fair, it is! Jest like to see 'em try an' get 10,000 steps in by walkin' the plank!
* * *
Yougins to-day got all dar pornographies all 'bout the Internet, they has. All what they could ever want!
Whar! In me day, all we hads were illustrations of topless mermaids.
An', by Davy, to-day, I can't walk into a fish market without leavin' with a stiff plank, arrr!
Whar! In me day, all we hads were illustrations of topless mermaids.
An', by Davy, to-day, I can't walk into a fish market without leavin' with a stiff plank, arrr!
* * *
I was diggin' fer buried treasure, I was, when I thought I struck the mother load.
Gar, turns out it was jest the water main.
Gar, turns out it was jest the water main.
* * *
Jest the utter day, lass asks me if'n I be married. I says, "Married is jest a number." Gar!
* * *
Whar! Jest had a terrible thought me lads!
What if Sir Mix-a-Lot was a-lyin' 'bout his inklin' towards large posteriors!?
#piratesforthebooty
What if Sir Mix-a-Lot was a-lyin' 'bout his inklin' towards large posteriors!?
#piratesforthebooty
* * *
What happens at sea stays at sea, mateys!
* * *
Gar, why the toothbrush I be a-keepin' in me car always smell like Davy Jone's tant?!
* * *
CARPOOL PASSENGER: Can you believe that guy? He just cut us off.
ME: ... Raise the Black Flag
#scurvydevils #walktheplank #r
ME: ... Raise the Black Flag
#scurvydevils #walktheplank #r
* * *
DOCTOR: Sir, there's nothing medically wrong with you. You've just been away from sea for a week. That's it.
ME: Aye, but give it to me straight doc — am I gonna live!?
ME: Aye, but give it to me straight doc — am I gonna live!?
* * *
Yarr, if'n ye ain't mean to be a-piddlin' in no washroom sink then why they be makin' them at crotch level? Arrr!
#BattenDownTheHatches
#BattenDownTheHatches
* * *
Whar I tell yas, "Health and Beauty" section, pshaw! Ain't even got no cutlass.
Jest how they expect me to manscape now?
Jest how they expect me to manscape now?
* * *
Nary a one be knowin' this 'bout me, but I'm an actively involved parent.
Oh, sorry, me lads, scratch that, I means to say, "actively involved with a parent."
... Yer mother
Arrr! #yohoho
Oh, sorry, me lads, scratch that, I means to say, "actively involved with a parent."
... Yer mother
Arrr! #yohoho
* * *
Yarr, sometimes befer I be clickin' the "I'm not a robot" button. Dar be a moment's hesitant where I stops to reflect. Because ye can ne'er be too sure, arrr!
* * *
Gar, I be all atingle what when I spy an ad fer "pirates instructor." Sadly, I be mistakin' me "L"s fer me "Rrrr"s.
SO jest ye 'magine me frustration when I be realizin' it be fer DURN PILATES! Arrr! #scurvydevils
SO jest ye 'magine me frustration when I be realizin' it be fer DURN PILATES! Arrr! #scurvydevils
* * *
ME: Gar, me thinks me be needin' to lay off the grog.
SAME OLD FOLKS: What makes you say that?
ME: Whar, fer starters, what year it be?
SAME OLD FOLKS: What makes you say that?
ME: Whar, fer starters, what year it be?
* * *
Arrr, fer the life o' me, I dunno how in blazes doors be gettin' t'be ajar.
Call me ol'-fashioned, but, in me day, a door be a door an' a jar be a jar!
Call me ol'-fashioned, but, in me day, a door be a door an' a jar be a jar!
* * *
I ain't be all too keen on cured meats. I mean, I be understandin' they be cured.
But they should least be specifyin' what all got them sick in the first place.
But they should least be specifyin' what all got them sick in the first place.
* * *
Aye, me hearties, I be an ace chess player, I be. Once I beat a computer in less than a minute.
Not at chess, jest the computer. #yohoho
Not at chess, jest the computer. #yohoho
* * *
Yarr, like to be welcomin' ye all to "No Trespassin'" Island.
Arrr, I know whats ye be thinkin', an odd name fer an island, it be.
But as soon as ye land, as sure as the tide, dar be it on a big sign readin', "No Trespassing."
Arrr, I know whats ye be thinkin', an odd name fer an island, it be.
But as soon as ye land, as sure as the tide, dar be it on a big sign readin', "No Trespassing."
* * *
Yarr, it's been o'er 20 years, it has, lads. And alas! We still be no closer to figurin' as to "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
* * *
Alas me lads! I think I be losin' me edge, I do. Dar be but only one solution.
Aye! A sharper cutlass!
Aye! A sharper cutlass!
